We three kings
An idea you never thought or wished would happen is coming exclusively to Columbus this Spring.
Today, we can formally announce the opening of the Go Used Brothers Jaw Gym and Music Slackatorium. Three lords of High Street will hold court in the basement of Surly Girl Saloon to educate and motivate serious students of the rock 'n' roll game.
Johnny "Go" Petric, Ron "Used" House and Dan "Brother" Dougan will show their pupils how to:
- pick an appropriately ridiculous and eye-popping band name
- score with sympathetic, loser-loving women
- undermine nearly anything your bandmates, friends, family and business associates do for you
- almost succeed in the music biz without showing that you really care or are trying
These masters of rock hyperbole and self-aggrandizement sell their secrets, plus many more they've stolen over nearly 90 combined years of watching, kvetching, pointing, arguing, posing and slouching towards Cleveland.
Senor Petric specializes in a hands-on approach which he learned during his brief tenure as "Stegothesaurus" with World Wrestling Entertainment, Incorporated. Mister House, formerly known for his hands-on experience, can show you how to point at all those little particulars that separate your pack from the herd. Herr Dougan has a more "hands up" approach, which says: "I give up! You're on your own."
"In my personal experience, I can't think of three more qualified individuals to shed some light on this business and pay some rent on our basement," says rock star on hiatus and restaurateur Marcy Mays.
"If you can't learn from these guys, you can't learn from guys like these," says deejay, raconteur and writer Curtis Schieber.
Guest speakers and instructors may or may not include the following:
- Harold "Happy" Chichester
- Greg Dulli
- Former members of Satan's Bake Sale
- Bob Petric
- David Geffen
- Eric "the jaw" Davidson
- Andre Williams
- Simon Cowell
- Bela Koe-Krompecher
- Tipper Gore
"Either you've got it or you haven't. You're either great or you suck. The check clears or it doesn't. Your credit card is approved or it ain't," says Petric, speaking of the driving philosophy behind his individual seminars, adding, "It's also possible to be too old or too female."
Ron House poetically paraphrases his philosophy: "I've seen the best bands of my generation fail from too much practice, too many notes and not enough beer."
The normally reserved Dougan adds, "If you've been in this biz for nearly 20 years or only a week and have nothing to show for it but a few good stories, come on down to our level."
— Posted on April 1, 2008.
But seriously... your input wanted
Where and how should Dan plan a 20-year anniversary for the Stache & Little Brother's family and friends? Email your ideas to danodougan(at)gmail.com.